Then There Was That Marriage Thing...

"ooo... I'll have to give you a watch.  Your pictures are not just stunning but have a sense of storytelling to them.  I'll have to come back and give your gallery a thorough ransacking."

- September 16, 2005

These were the semi-infamous words that first brought me into contact with Jessi, my one-time co-conspirator, one-time Lovely Fiancee™ and one-time Wife-To-Be, way back a little more than six years ago.  Little did she realize at the time that at some point in the unforeseeable future, she wouldn't be able to pry me away from her with a crowbar, axle-grease and a hydraulic lift.

On October 2, 2011, we drew ourselves to the culmination of everything that began way back when, as she and I were officially married in a beautiful outdoor ceremony at The Blanton House in Danville, Indiana.  This whole event has been something that has been very long in coming, and there's a lot of people to thank for it coming to fruition, not the least of which is my former Lovely Fiancee™ and current Trophy Wife™.  I think we both knew when we started talking to one another that there was something there, but I don't know if we have ever realized how magical and wondrous it was until recently.  So behind all the goofy jokes and the sarcasm and the sometimes fervent desire to drop the damned cat off at a live landmine field and be done with it, I want to make sure that you know that nothing in my life has ever made me happier than being with you.

Those of you who are used to the standard rambling and ranting and are doing the internet-meme "TL;DR" bs, give me a few more moments, because there's a lot of people I want to thank for the weekend that just passed.  Or if it really upsets your delicate sensibilities to read me waxing nice over people, you can skip ahead to the next blog entry (eventually), while I call you a big bunch of instant gratification digital ADD pantywaists, because-- fuck you-- even if I'm married it doesn't mean I'm not still a prick.  XD

But for those of you who can read more than two paragraphs without coming down with cold sweats because there's no interrupting pictures of cutesy kitties or explosions (or cutesy kitties exploding, for that matter), I give you

THE BIG EFFING LIST OF GRATITUDE

So, first and foremost, let me say that this list is in no way to shirk the marital responsibilities of proper Thank You notes (I have checked with my Trophy Wife™ about all the esoteric and sometimes mystical rites that we're supposed to observe when it comes to the wedding, the week before the wedding, the honeymoon and the first year of married life.)  Nor is it meant to be a convenient and cheap way of expressing our gratitude for everything these fine people have done to ensure that we got married and didn't choke the life out of one another. Cause left to our own devices, that might have happened.  Someone from the Indianapolis CSI would have come into our house and said, "Look, husband- and bride-to-be, strangled by one another's hands. Open and shut case.  That means..."

And then he'd put on his sunglasses and say, "...there's uneaten wedding cake."

YEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Now, in the interest of keeping some anonymity-- because, let's be honest, some of you probably would prefer not to have your names paraded around in connection with me, after all-- I have included as few last names as possible.  So in no particular order (which is a catchphrase that means, "Go ahead.  Feel free to take offense, because that just gives us ammunition to leave you smarmy remarks on your next few birthday cards.") we want to offer our sincerest, wholehearted thanks:

...to Bob, my best man, who spent months previous to the wedding jokingly asking me if I'd changed my mind yet. (Every time, I answered no.  Until the point that Jessi was walking up the aisle, when I leaned over to him and just as jokingly whispered, "I changed my mind."*)  On top of that, he spent the last two weeks utterly freaking out about having to give the best man speech, saying it was going to be horrible, insisting that he might accidentally puke on the wedding cake if he was forced to do it.... and then rattling off a great speech like it's something he did every day   For fun.  While cooking awesome chili and juggling children and puppies and flamethrowers.  And yawning.

...to Jennifer, the maid of honor, who did some of the most unspeakably wonderful things that a sister could do in the week before the wedding,  She helped with everything, from just flying up here and making sure Jessi had a familiar face at the wedding, to helping spearhead everything from the rehearsal dinner to the decorations to helping us get to our honeymoon destination okay. And for being so pleasant in the face of godawful amounts of stress from a couple whose usual happy-go-luckiness had been pretty much turned into plastic smiles that barely concealed hideously frazzled nerves and an obsessive need for happy-drugs.

...to Dennis, who managed to take every one of our "Oh, we've made a change, here," with a shrug of the shoulders and a "sure thing," like it was of absolutely no consequence whatsoever that at 12:40 on the day of the wedding, we decided to switch off the sides of the location we'd planned for wedding and the reception because we couldn't center the tent.  And for being a total He-Man when it came to being at the Blanton House early to help to set up, and being there late to help clean up.  Because seriously, I was so on medications that I'm surprised I didn't come to you the next day and go, "Wait. I did what again?"

...to Teri, who helped with the wedding, reception and honeymoon more than any one person could have hoped to.  After giving us a night in lovely (especially in the fall) Nashville as an early wedding present, she eagerly took on the task of decorating the ceremony and the reception, even realizing that meant that she was over at our house almost constantly, asking questions, working on ideas and taking my Lovely Fiancee™ out to the wedding site and craft stores and bridal shops and florists and god-only-knows-where-else to help get everything prepared and ready.  And then, upon arriving and finding out the groom had made a sudden change to which side of the site the reception and wedding was going to be, she somehow managed to not completely go insane.  Mostly.  Well, any more than usual.  XD 

...to Annette and Darlene, who went out of the way to enfold my Lovely Fiancee™ into the family from her very first moment here, and then both helped to arrange a huge wedding shower that blew away anything we could have possibly ever imagined, had we even imagined a wedding shower in the first place.  (And to be fair, having never been to any sort of shower in the first place, had I been asked to imagine it, I  would have envisioned some weird ritual thing with scented candles, bakeware and wine that involved things only spoken of in women's bathrooms.  Like an anti-sports-bar or something.)  

(As an aside, I would also like to admit that yes, that is a very 1950's viewpoint.  I realize and understand this.  And unlike the 1950's, everyone in my family-- regardless of gender-- likes football.  So the sports bar analogy is a lost cause.  

(Also as an aside, the fact nearly everyone in my family likes football frightens the hell out of my Trophy Wife™, as she thinks now she will actually have to learn things like holding calls, pass interference, or where the weakside linebacker lines up in the 3-4 defense... or else possibly face ostracism.  I promise I have not fostered this belief by giving her daily quizzes with questions like, "Name three college teams Lou Holtz coached, or two reasons he is revered in our household**," or "Under what conditions does the half not end when the game clock reads zeroes?")

(Not much, anyway.)

...to Christy, who made an unbelievable cake that went beyond our wildest dreams.  Seriously, when she started talking to us about our ideas for a wedding cake, we were honestly going to be thrilled, even with something that looked like the illiterate Wal-Mart bakery clerk made it, with borderline burgundy icing that read: "Hapy Weddng, Marc n Jesse!"  So when she put together a fall-themed tiered cake that looked as professional as it did, we were almost sad to cut it.  Hell, looking at it, we very nearly peed ourselves with delight.  And trust me: in a rented tux, that's really, really uncool... especially for whomever has to take it back.

...to Bob, Casey and Chloe, for never having a cross word to say while spending an entire weekend in a house that was as ill-prepared to have houseguests as ours.  And then on top of everything else, for being so wonderful before, during and after the ceremony... Bob was such an awesome help setting up and tearing down and just being there whenever we needed a hand, Casey was a perfect gentleman usher, and Chloe was a perfect little ring bearer.  People usually have such awful things to say about in-laws... I have never been more sad to realize that I may only get to see them once or twice a year. 

...to Angie, who not only helped ensure Jessi and I could make it up to Indiana in the first place (and once our finances get themselves out of the sewer, we plan on giving her some really nice payback for that!) but also has overwhelmed us with gifts.  The simple honest truth is that we were astonished by her generosity-- not because it's out of her character or anything... we were actually astonished by everyone's generosity.  The tongue-in-cheek joke is that Angie bought too much wedding wrapping paper and just bought gifts to use it all so she wouldn't have to pack it away and try to find it again for the next wedding, but that's just us.

...to Amanda and David, for allowing us to borrow Hannah for the flower girl.  She had the most adorable moment of trepidation as she walked up the aisle, but like the pro she is, she troopered on through (with a little help from Grandma!) and brought smiles to everyone's faces.  Which was all we could have possibly asked!

...to Tim, who probably has as much right as anyone to be cheesed off at us.  After he-- very considerately!-- offered to gather up a huge amount of acorns for our fall themed decoration, we couldn't even break away to go visit him and pick them up.  I apologize, man... sometimes we're a couple f***ing ingrates. 

...to Crystal, who nudged us to a couple of her friends who do wedding photography for a price we could afford (which was especially helpful when we saw that some professional photogs were doing weddings for something like the Gross National Income of Uganda), and to Katie and Brandy, who-- if the preview photos are to be believed-- somehow managed to make me look photogenic.

(Okay, you can close your mouth now.  Yes, that's a feat, but it's not Jesus-level-loaves-and-fishes or anything.)

...to Brian, who made that trip all the way from Arkansas that I still wish I could have made those few years ago, when it was him walking up the aisle.   It is honestly the one time I have actually actively hated being on any prescription drugs.

...to Shannon, who stepped in the bridal room and immediately took on as many difficult jobs as possible to free Jennifer and Jessi up so that they could focus on everything they needed to.  Which may have even involved elaborate and dangerous bridal rituals, for all I know (see the Shower Thing, above.  And wouldn't marriage be more fun if the rituals included things like the Dance of Daggers, or The Ritual Battle with the Broken Champagne Bottle, or something like that?)

...to Michelle and Jamie, who went out of their way over the course of the two months or so prior to the wedding to give help where they could, and then went out of their way to make our big day all the more awesome by setting up and helping to run the music.  The whole idea of pulling someone from the audience to play the songs over an MP3 player through a cheap set of computer speakers sounded really good until I realized how big the place was.  I couldn't have asked for a better couple friends to jump in when everything was as hectic as it was for the two of us.

...and to everyone else.  And I mean everyone.  From my Mom to Bart to Bob and Ellen and Susie and Rita to Aunt Alice and Aunt Hazel to David and Journey and everyone-- every single person-- in between.  I mean that sincerely.  And completely without joking (for once), there is no way we can possibly express how much each and every one of you touched us with your presence, and how emotional it made us both to see everyone together for our big day.  I wish I could throw a paragraph here to everyone, but there's no way I could possibly thank everyone like that without making this blog last more or less forever.  

Well, more forever... because anyone who has read this long has my profound respect: either they're a glutton for punishment or they're expecting this blog to get better as it goes and are in the process of being horribly disappointed. So pat yourself on the back.  And give yourself a hug.  

Hurry.  Before the giddy smiles of the happy wedding memories wear off.

I have a lot of those to relate, too.  But that's a story for another time.



* - This entire exchange was done tongue-firmly-in-cheek.  If you didn't know that, shame on you.

** - We would accept any of the following, and more: Notre Dame's 1989  National Championship win over West Virginia, Notre Dame defeating Bobby Bowden's Florida State team in 1993, any victory over Miami, and beating the tar out of #2 USC 27-10 in 1988.

*** - uck.