Environmentally Unconscious.

While talking to my Lovely Fiancée™ last night, the two of us both got into a fairly snarky mood.  It happens; we have that whole artist mentality going for us, where neither of us can admit we're wrong... so it makes for a nice healthy bit of usually good-natured friction here and there.  (Yeah, once in a great while, we'll pick at a scab a bit too much and cause a small micronuclear explosion... but it's never yet been anything that love, understanding and hazmat suits can't overcome.)

At any rate, we were sniping at one another from under the cover of thick sarcasm last night-- this is no small exaggeration, either... many of our conversations spread out the sarcasm the way an inattentive McDonald's cook dollops on the Big Mac special sauce.  I forget how the idea came up, but we were talking about her family using those reusable metallic water bottles, because it's unsafe to reuse plastic ones-- I should probably point out I washed, refilled and reused the same 1 liter Mountain Dew bottles for the better part of a year, and that probably explains a lot about my lack of mental focus-- and she mentioned that one of the models kept water cold for something like a day.  I was intrigued.  And I looked at the price of it and was flabbergasted.  It cost more than most pairs of shoes I buy.

"Why not just get a Thermos?"  I asked.

She replied that it wasn't really the same thing, and she preferred having cold water over the course of the day without putting the water back in the fridge, where sometimes the kids grabbed them, so just keeping the plastic bottles was out of the question.  She needed something that would stay cold out of the fridge for long periods and that the kids could be responsible for.

"So why not just get Styrofoam cups?"  I asked.  "You can mark them with your names.  And for the price of that thing, you could probably get a year's worth."

At this point my Lovely Fiancée™ said something that resonated with me.  Well, first she called me obstinate, incorrigible and a few other adjectives I probably shouldn't relate here.  Then she said something that resonated with me.  I should note that this is probably paraphrased, because it is currently seven in the morning and I have yet to ingest any worthwhile drugs:

"Sometimes I think you are so intent on being anti-Green that you're willing to cut off your nose to spite your face."

At the time, I huffed and scoffed and shook a fistful of righteous indignation at the whole idea.  But as more time went on, I came to the conclusion that there was more than just a nugget of truth to that.  Her son-- my soon to be stepson-- is very environmentally conscious.  I am more like environmentally comatose.

Now, I am not always rabid anti-environmentalist or anything like that.  Our new house is Energy Star efficient, and we're using CFL bulbs and energy-efficient appliances, and drinking purified water in bottles with just enough plastic to make it like drinking water out of a stiff zip-lock bag.  So I'm not all about filling Mother Earth with nuclear waste, non-biodegradable plastics and Styrofoam landfills, but I think that there is sometimes way too much of a press put on by people to be green. 

A lot of the things on the Green Initiative agenda are, in fact, very noble, well-founded and helpful at first glance.  Take recycling.  On the surface, it sounds wonderful.  And it is, if you have the time, dilligence, extra space and money to do so.  So, in effect, if you are rich enough to be able to afford the space to keep a bin for your aluminum cans, a bin for your clear plastics, a bin for your non-clear plastics, a bin for your paper products, a bin for your corrugated cardboard products,-- and yes, I work somewhere that recycles, so I know they will not accept those last two mixed, as silly as it sounds-- a bin for your organics, a Sharps container for your recyclable syringe needles (we'll assume that, like me, you only keep those for medicinal or experimental purposes), and a trash can for whatever is leftover.  And have the time and the lack of things to do to spend your time sorting your trash. 

And on top of that make your kids do so... because, after all, they are the ones who are most benefiting from it.  And probably like most kids, my stepson-to-be is probably going to be all about being environmentally friendly until it gets to the point that he has to actually do work.  Like when he has to lug six separate bins to the curb instead of the one trash bin.  Then somewhere, I'm sure, my Lovely Fiancee™ and I will be informed about scientific studies that say that recycling really doesn't help all that much, and may, in fact, be harming the ecosystem of the Southeast Asian Archback Tern or something.

I also have a serious problem with every online biller sitting there and spouting off about how I could be more green and environmentally conscious by receiving all my billing statements via e-mail.  I get this from my phone company, my bank, my credit card sites, my insurance companies, my utilities, and at least four of the porn sites I hit on a regular basis.  And they ask me every time I go to pay.  Like the past thirteen months have meant nothing, and this time around, I've had some sort of Saul-of-Tarsis-sees-the-light-and-becomes-St.-Paul conversion after a lifetime of abusing trees.  Even though in my preferences at all these sites, it says, "Yes, I want a paper copy of my bill."  Even though I have repeatedly told customer service agents that most spam filters are notoriously inept at low levels and at high levels will find a way to 'learn' that a bill reminder is spam and delete it-- and oh, by the way, I'm sure your collection agency and their repo man Enzo will give me a pass on that one.  Even though I'm sure that all the Green Agenda by all these big-name businesses-- which have now suddenly gained a Green conscience and are spearheading "Save the Earth" measures-- has absolutely nothing at all to do with the fact that they are shaving thousands, if not millions, off their budget calculations... meaning that their CEO's can now worry just a little less as they hit that seventh hole on the Palm Springs resort they're golfing at this week.

Yes, even though, I am subjected to that same smiling "Don't you want to be environmentally friendly and only get a bill via e-mail" reminder every fucking month.  And it's led me to respond in this way:

"No.  I don't want to be environmentally friendly.  I want to be environmentally hostile because you insist on asking me this every time I'm here, regardless of my answer last time.  Yes, I want a paper statement.  You know what?  I want a paper statement made out of wood pulp from a seven-hundred year old Sequoia!  Wait, you know, fuck that!  I want my statement on parchment-- parchment made from the flayed and tanned skin of an endangered Long-Haired Spider Monkey, and written with an ink made from a mixture of Humpback Whale oil and West Indian Manatee blood!  And I want an old-fashioned fucking stamp put on it, too!  The ones with the lead base in the gumming!  None of that pre-stuck or pre-printed crap!  And yeah, put the whole thing in a Styrofoam envelope, too, you buncha malcontent fucks."

Ahem.  I have been told that given the right set of circumstances, I can get road rage without even driving.

And I do cheerfullly admit that I am the sort of person who naturally bristles and bucks back at being told I need to do something, like some dull-wit or child or slow pet.  So when I hear stuff like, "you need to recycle," or "you need to be more concerned about the environment," my first gut, kneejerk reaction is to come back with "Bullshit.  You need to come up with a system of sorting trash and removing recycleables at the trash facility, and then pay top dollar to create jobs to do so, because then you could help kill two birds with one stone."

Metaphorically.

Cause, I mean, you start insinuating about killing animals to some people, and they'll lose their fucking mind.

(And again, the author feels that he should point out that he loves his Lovely Fiancee™ like nothing else on Earth, and any 'spats' you see here have been very much embellished for humorous effect... and he thanks her for being such a good sport.  He would also like to point out that this post has been made using environmentally-safe fonts on an energy-efficient monitor, and some of the jokes have been recycled.)