Loggerheads

So I'm talking to my Lovely Fiancee™ some nights ago over the phone, and somehow the subject comes up that the kitten (our Pet-to-Be) sometimes doesn't listen when she tells it not to bite or go somewhere or do something.  Like apparently, it very sweetly and very cutely leaps onto the power supply for her computer and shuts it off without a proper shutdown sequence.  Or it endearingly rips gashes in her bare legs.  Or it makes her go Awwww as it goes into heat and yowls incessantly, parades around with its ass in the air looking for something to make it have more kittens, and forces my Lovely Fiancee™ to frantically explain to her young daughter why their male cat is not allowed in without using any animal terminology like sex-starved slut, or gaping slick orifice of cat-hell.  Or to put it in a much more urbane way of phrasing, "she is sometimes a little shit."

I could have told her this long ago, seeing that the creature in question is a kitten. I could have also gloated that the only times I worry about the fish not listening is when I'm trying to take pictures of them, and then, it's most often more of a laughing manner than a genuine "What the fuck is wrong with you!" manner.  I could have also said, "Awwwh," because this is the sound I gather most cat-lovers like to hear.  Usually followed by a cutesy variant tone of the kitty-cat's name, or "Schmookums" or something equally inane and offensive to English-speakers everywhere.  "Him's a widdwe pwetty-puss, isun't him?"

I, however, knew I was treading dangerous ground here, as I constantly am whenever we talk about the cat.  My Lovely Fiancee™ is more than just an animal lover. She is a hardcore, third generation-- possibly more-- animal lover, and is instilling that same love in her children.  She moreover loves lost-cause animals-- runts the mother has tossed aside; wounded strays who look utterly pathetic; guys who play role-playing games and haven't dated for years.  I fear that soon, between the three of them, I will be on a first-name basis with every attendant at the Indianapolis Zoo.  Most women cry during chick-flicks; my Lovely Fiancee™ cries at shows on Animal Planet.

I knew all this, and yet, I responded with one of my usual wonderfully well-thought out replies: "The cat does realize that it's not going to have complete run of the house when we move in, right?"

Numerous married men are very likely now grabbing their nutsacks in empathy.

There are a lot of things that you simply aren't allowed to do to have a long, happy marriage, and you can probably guess a few of them, such as "don't say someone else's name during sex", or "don't sit there and laugh when it turns out she's wrong."  However, when your significant other is a cat-lover (hell, any animal-lover), a whole new set of land-mines arises, around which you'd damned well better tread carefully, no matter what you think.  When discussing said animal, you are in no way expected to insinuate that A) she doesn't have control over the animal situation, B) the animal in question might be problematic, or C) that you would not be disappointed beyond measure if the animal in question accidentally fell into a wood chipper.  Any of these are akin to saying something like, "dinner was pretty good, honey, but next time you ought to try to this dish my ex-girlfriend was really good at..."  You can literally watch the air get cold enough to see your breath from one moment to the next. 

I was fortunate in that it snowed a couple nights ago, so I was better prepared for the frostiness.  But it's still like a Japanese horror movie-- it puts chills up your spine for reasons you don't really understand.

"What is that supposed to mean?"  She said.  I could have almost sworn it was a hiss.  I'm genuinely hoping it was bad cell service.

After stumbling through an apologetic reply that amounted to recanting everything, I did what every man who deeply loves his fiancee would do... I showed all the backbone of a jellyfish and tried to look for a good, legitimate compromise that would at least leave me a slight, small sliver of masculinity.  And in the meantime, while doing so, I have begun making plans for what brand of hard liquor I will bequeath the rest of my life to.  As I told my Lovely Fiancee™ earlier, there is no doubt in my mind that if we ever look at separation and divorce, that little ball of meowing fluff-- or the five to ten that are sure to come after it, because cat people can't be fucking content with one-- will almost certainly be the root cause.

So, yes, the compromise.  The problem was one I figured the internet could take care of:  I needed something to keep the pet-to-be from getting onto the counters and the furniture in the new house.  I needed a way to keep this dirty beast from turning our expensive new house into the Chateau de Felinus Fuckoff (the sort of place even non-cat lovers can immediately enter and say, oh, I see by the way your house is set up that either you own a cat or have a new child with acrobatic-contortionist DNA).  I need this cat to be a ground pet, and I need it not to sharpen its claws on our new furniture... apparently that should be preferably without de-clawing, because most cat-lovers and bleeding hearts will tell you (with a venom not unlike a Vegan card-carrying member of PETA) that de-clawing a poor widdle kitty is an inhumane torture not unlike tearing your finger down to the first knuckle.  And, no, you cannot respond thoughtfully with "No, inhumane is what I will be the first time I catch the little fucker ripping up our $500 couch or pissing on our $800 carpet because, and I quote, 'that's just what they do'," no matter how much you want to, or how much you fucking mean it.  So I looked it up, and these are the sorts of answers I found for the inquiry at various websites, help-sources and stores:

1) Citrus 
Apparently nothing says, Begone, foul thing, like oranges or grapefruit or lemons.  Also apparently, cats despise the smell of citrus, so you can spritz a lemon-water mist around places that you don't want the poor kitty to go, and it will get the hint.  Supposedly.  Admittedly, it sounds way too good to be true-- srsly?  I can keep them away from my computer by spritzing around it with lemon?  For reals?--  and it does have a far less effective rate than some of the other styles, but the big thing is that you have to keep doing it.  As in Constantly. Like, every week.  Or more.  So at some point, you have to ask yourself, do I really want to sit on a grapefruit-scented couch to go along with our orange-scented kitchen, lemony-fresh computer area, and cat-shit smelling garage?  Do I want to constantly live in a place that smells like the fucking fruit du jour?  If the words fuck, no came to mind, you would be on the right track. 

2) Cat-Away Sprays
This sort of solution sounds too good to be true!  I can spray something with this, and the special chemical pheromone mixture in it will keep the cat from spraying or clawing whatever I hose down, by making the cat feel comfortable in his surroundings!  Unless he's not, because, as the bottle notes:

"There are several reasons why a cat may urinate in your house -- medical problems, old age, the litter box is full, the cat doesn't like the litter you're using, or the box has been moved to a location the cat objects to.. the cat just feels like pissing you or your husband-- because we know no man is going to buy this except out of a sense of total fucking desperation-- off. (okay, I did sort of add that last one.) 

Urine marking is normally found on vertical surfaces, approximately 8 inches above the floor... Only a small amount of urine is discharged in a spraying effect. Male and female cats may mark -- even neutered and spayed cats.

Oh, fucking wonderful.  Now I have to also worry about the cat spreading urine on my walls (but only a small amount!  Only a little bit!  Don't worry!  Just like how you don't worry if slightly daft Uncle Walter shits himself in your kitchen, because at least A) it's mostly in his pants and B) he can't help himself)!

Oh, and on top of that, this stuff does not keep the cat from leaping on our countertops or anything above or beyond possibly spraying.  And again, we would have to use this stuff constantly.  At least for 30 days.  And lest we forget, some of these sprays cost upwards of $20 per 150 milliliters.  At that price, why don't we just walk around with Old West gunbelts on and keep spritz bottles of water in them, pulling them out to spritz away when we happen to catch the cat after it finishes with scraping dirty dust-ridden clay over its own shit and decides that means it's time to jump onto the food prep table?  That would mean the times that one or the other of us aren't at work, or that we're not busy, or we want to be in the kitchen, or... well, shit, that sort of puts that idea out to pasture, doesn't it?

3) Scat Mats
Apparently, enough people have had issues with dogs and cats getting onto the furniture that someone decided the best way to handle it was to introduce static electricity into the equation.  Now, admittedly, this was an idea I could more get behind.  You unroll this mat, place it on a 'problem area' where you don't want the thing to leap up onto, and plug it in.  Voila, instant mild instructional shock when it jumps up there.  The beautiful part of this was watching the promotional video, which actually seemed to show the cat leaping up and then leaping off as though its nuts had caught fire.  It was a thing of beauty.

Now the problems with this scenario?  Aside from the fact that I'm pretty certain that those same types who think de-clawing is terrible-oh-noes-inhumane probably think this is equally terrible-oh-noes-inhumane (in fact, they most likely think every deterrent is inhumane, and that the only steps that should be taken are to sit aside and let the cat literally walk all over you and anything within the house) there is the fact that just because you light up one counter with electricity doesn't mean another is safe.  Or the couch.  Or the upstairs.  Or the entertainment center.  Or you get the picture.  At fiftyish dollars apiece, we can get enough of these to handle the areas of the house the cat shouldn't be... if, say, we eschew buying a laundry dryer or a refrigerator.  But what the hey... we're not all that fond of drying clothes.

Along these same lines are the lesser expensive means that offer the same "The cat doesn't like it here" efforts, like double stick tape and aluminum foil.  And because God knows how cool it would be to consistently set my hands down on double-stick tape while I'm making dinner, or have to uncover the couches from their foil because company's coming over, I will not go into detail on my thoughts on them.

4) Sonic Things
Again, seemingly the perfect marriage, sonics and cat deterrent, this is another thing that sounds (Haa! Pun! Get it?) much better on the surface than it apparently is in practice.  The Sofa Scram mat, which is a little like the Scat Mat, but half the price, emits a sound not unlike a smoke detector.  Which is all we fucking need at 3 o'clock in the morning.

Sound:  BEEP.  BEEP.  BEEP.

Lovely Fiancee™: Mnnh.  What is that?
Me: It's the Scram Mat.  The fucking cat's on the furniture again.

Out Of Control Fire: *Laughs Maniacally and Consumes Downstairs*

The other one is ultrasonic, which might work.  But the price is higher.  Oh, this is me being surprised at that.

5) Claw Caps
This is one of the ideas put forward by my Lovely Fiancee™ as an alternative to the declawing issue.  And it seems to work.  For the scratching thing, at least.  Which is great!  Except I have been told they need to be changed out about every three to six months, and that this is a two person job.  And that I have been volunteered to help out to ensure the cat doesn't scratch my Lovely Fiancee™ into an indefinable bloody mess.

This also thrills me to no end.

And apparently there is no Counter Caps or Couch Caps to keep the cat from jumping onto either.  I did suggest weighted chains, but that idea has so far met with resistance.

6) Small Battery-Operated Guillotines Located At Tactical Areas Throughout The House
No, this will totally not work at all.  But I would admit that I would be a lot more inclined to be happy with this solution, if just for the designs alone. 

7)  Good Fucking Luck
Nothing you do, no matter how physically ingenious or chemically glorious, will stop the cat from scratching your sofa, leaping up onto the food-prep table with its shit-ridden paws, or doing whatever it feels like-- up to and including finding your PIN and taking money out of your bank account, when you're not there.  You can use a squirt bottle, a shook-up can of pennies, or a small flamethrower, and it will be effective.  But only while you're there.  Once you leave the room, the cat will do the feline equivalent of flipping you the bird and do it anyway.  Or if it doesn't, it will plot against you... like waiting until you're sleeping on the couch in your thin lounge pants to leap up and claw at your genitalia.

So out of these ideas, the more I look at each one, and the more I know my own luck, the more I'm thinking that we'll probably have a solution more like: 

8) I Quietly Bow to the Mandate of my Unfortunately-Cat-Crazy Lovely Fiancee™; I Do Absolutely Nothing About Said Creature, Deal with Cat Funk and Hair in my Food and Everywhere Else in Our New House,  and Begin Married Life by Having Myself Emasculated So As Not To Cause Civil Unrest.

Yeah, that about covers it.